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Friday, August 26, 2005

Ok, I know this is a Really Late Post.... Probably no one's reading it also.

I feel really Lonely. I know it's sounds really Faizal-like, but it's true lah. I was just looking at Alia's photos on her friendster blog, and i came across this section where almost the whole class was at Seoul Garden celebrating SangJin's birthday, i think. Anyway, almost everybody was there lah, and when I saw it I felt real sad.

It's not about because they didn't ask me to go along. THEY DID. But stupid me said I was busy as I had somethings on. And while they were celebrating(was it dinner or lunch?), I was busy kicking and getting injured. I felt real sad, at the fact that I'm such an antisocial asshole. Such a major class outing and I decided to give it a miss.

You know, I feel really sad. As in disappointed in myself kind of sad. I have so many friends, yet so little who know me really well. As anyone can clearly see of me, I hang out with 2 cliques, jumping here and there. I did this, firstly because I made new friends in sec 3 and they sort of split into 2 big groups, and Secondly I did this as a form of backup. I'm not afraid to admit, friendship means the world to me. I was fearful that one group might one day reject me, so I could still have friends. I know it sounds a hell lot childish, but there you are.

I love my friends too much, and suddenly, it's no longer 2 groups, but 1 big one known as sec 4R. I became fearful again. What if the class as a whole rejected me? I hide behind a facade daily, hoping to keep the friendships I have, and yet, it looks like it will push me further back.

A few messages here:

To Joel, SangJin, Sam, u all.... Guys, I know all my comments are very lame and not worth listening to, and I really thank you for all your laughter and the re-enactments. You guys are the most fun loving people I have had the luck to meet.

To AhChuan, Talz, Emily, Val, Rusy, u all... I really enjoy the times we spend as a clique. All those lunching together and all, it really makes me happy to have such friends like you guys. Though sometimes I do weird things like stoning at your face while you're talking to me, I'm really trying to listen, only I've got a... problem. It's not just my ears that's going, it's my concentration too.

I feel really out of the game. I've got a hell lot of friends, but no real best friend or whatever. You know why? I've always heard of stories of how this best friend had an argument and then became worst enemies. And I told myself that I would not want to experience that kind of nonsense. That's why I indulge very little in relationships like best-friending and BGRs and all that. Am I an introvert? Someone please tell me.

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